


Wrong

by Imafuckingfailure, MCLissberg



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And lots of other internalized phobias, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Dysphoria, Getting Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Just a lil story about my fav pretty setter figuring themselves out uwu, Kagehina is only side pairing oops lmao sorry, M/M, No Smut, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Sugawara Koushi, Other, Suga has a big sister bc i said so, Suicidal Thoughts, Supportive Karasuno, Team Mom Sugawara Koushi, fuck fragile nd toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:20:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23893717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imafuckingfailure/pseuds/Imafuckingfailure, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MCLissberg/pseuds/MCLissberg
Summary: „ He couldn’t help the fact that he felt... fake, sometimes.(All the time.)It was as if every emotion or thought he ever had got muted. Muted by the feeling of something being wrong. So entirely wrong. Sometimes Suga wondered if he was sick in the head. But he couldn’t bring himself to act upon it and tell someone. He was scared of being ill.“Basically a little compilation of scenarios that makes our fav Setter figure out who they truly are!! Very angsty, it gets way worse before it gets better.English is not my native language, neither is the wonderful person who helped me create this story, so please don’t be shy and leave some comments!I’d really love some constructive criticism.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 17
Kudos: 51





	Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> what’s up my dudes, i hope you enjoy this one as much as i enjoyed creating it with one of the most amazing people in this world.  
> If you are actually non binary, please leave a comment!! We did as much research as we could on the topic, but i’d love to learn more about it.

„Nice, Hinata! That was really good!“

It was, once again, way after the sun went down when Suga had agreed to help Hinata with practicing his receives. The small orange haired boy begged the setter to help him (like always), almost one and a half hour ago and Suga could feel himself slowly getting tired.

„Ah, you were really great. I think we should call it a day.“

Hinata looked at him with wide eyes (a drop of sweat dribbling down his nose and moving dangerously close to his open mouth, making Suga slightly cringe on the inside), before regaining his composure and;

„Oh please! One more, only one, i promise-“

„You already said that half an hour ago. C‘mon, you need to regain your strength for tomorrow.“

The short orange haired boy grew even redder in the face, this time because of getting caught in his lie instead of simply pure exhaustion.

Suga smiled, he simply found his small teammate so endearing. 

Together they walked into the washroom to wash up and get changed.

Once again he wondered how such a small body could hold so much energy as he watched Hinata rush through his routine before almost falling out the door. 

„Are you sure that i shouldn’t wait for you?“

„Yes, i’m sure. Go now, you have a long way home. I’ll just get ready and lock everything up.“

His teammate simply nodded, still flushed with color, and screamed his gratitude before fleeing out of the gym and running off.

Then, Suga was alone. Being the only one left at the court, he could feel the atmosphere getting way calmer. It was creepily silent without his friends around , though that was exactly what he needed sometimes. He stared at himself in the mirror of the bathroom, face still wet from the water he splashed onto it to wake himself up. He watched some of the water drops trail down his forehead and nestling themselves into the corner of his eyes. It kinda looked like Suga was crying. He felt mildly amused about it. 

He couldn’t help the fact that he felt... fake, sometimes.

(All the time.)

It was as if every emotion or thought he ever had got muted. Muted by the feeling of something being wrong. So entirely wrong. Sometimes Suga wondered if he was sick in the head. But he couldn’t bring himself to act upon it and tell someone. He was scared of being ill.

He was so fake, so wrong. Something was off. What was it? It was so wro-

„Sugawara Senpai?“

The shy call of his name interrupted Sugas train of thought and made him look at the owner of the voice.

There was Hinata, standing unsure at the door.

„Are you okay?“ 

The silver haired male was taken aback for a moment.

„Of course!“ It must’ve been weird for Hinata.

„Why aren’t you home yet?“ he asked the younger. If Suga wasn’t able to care for himself, then he’d be damned if he wouldn’t care about the people that seemed like they did.

„I felt bad for bothering and then just leaving you... Can we go home together?“

Suga smiled. „Of course.“

——

„I just don’t get how those two idiots think that they matter so much that they have to always tell everyone their opinion about everything!“

Suga kept nodding and listened carefully as Tsukki ranted about his day. 

The tall firstgrader wasn’t shy, but opening up to someone wasn’t easy for him. The team quickly learned that he’d bottle everything up until he’d finally explode. That’s also why they were so happy when they noticed how close he got to Suga. Initially, it was no surprise since it was apparently „so easy to trust him!“ (Hinata really had to learn how to chill), but it was shocking how much better the blonde played when he could regularly dump his emotions and thoughts onto someone else.

„I just- those two assholes will be the reason why i’ll commit man slaughter. And they get closer every day, why doesn’t anyone else notice? Together they’re even worse. Just imagine them dating, I-„, a sigh escaped Tsukkis lips.

„Yeah, that’d be disgusting, right?“

His teammate stared at him with an unreadable expression, and Suga felt the uncomfortable silence develop around them. He let out an awkward chuckle, trying to lift the spirits of the atmosphere. 

Why was Tsukki so silent?

„What... do you exactly mean by that?“

„I’m- Uh, i think it’d be gross. It’s. Uhm, Gross, i think. Haha.“

The taller boy took of his glasses and narrowed his eyes as he looked at the older.

„Why would that be? Because they’re both male?“

Was it? Of course it was. Suga learnt that from an early age. If something was different, it was a threat. If you don’t fit into the norm, you have to adapt or live with the consequences.

„Yeah?“

There it was again, that unreadable expression that made Sugas stomach turn. 

„I honestly didn’t expect this from especially you, to be honest. Sure, our society tends to be very harsh on such matters, but i thought you’d be smarter then that. Guess i was wrong.“

„But, i thought you said-„

„i said that they would be insufferable because combined they’d be even more annoying, and not because i think it’s disgusting what might or might not be their sexual orientation.“

Suga looked at the table before him, separating him and his younger friend.Could he still even call him his friend? 

It was clear how majorly he fucked up and how much Tsukki probably disliked him now. He thought he figured out how the world worked. He thought he learned from his past. 

In elementary school his fellow classmates taught him what was right, corrected him when he expressed how he wanted to play with the dolls of his sister and the cars. He had to pick one, had to pick the cars, because cars were for boys and that was what was right. He learned in middle school that he shouldn’t say controversial things, his friends taught him that it wasn’t right to support homosexuality. He thought he learned. He thought he understood. But Tsukki was right, it didn’t matter how much he tried to learn, Suga would always remain stupid. He couldn’t tell right from wrong anymore, because he himself was fake. He didn’t know why people still bothered with him. It must be so infuriating to talk with him, his brain not being able to comprehend anything. 

He was such a waste. As useless and unimportant as the marks and scratches on the table they were sitting at. Just a complete and utter failure.

„Sugawara-san?“

His head snapped back up, looking like a dear caught in the headlights.

„Are you okay? You look out of it.“

He tried to awkwardly laugh it of.

„Sorry“, he breathed out, „i was just thinking... I’m sorry about that. I-” Tsukishima sighed before cutting him off.

„We just don’t see eye to eye, it’s okay.“

„-Yeah. you’re right. Lets talk about something else. How did your math exam go?“

——

„Oh! Oh! Look, you think she would like that?“ Nishinoya exclaimed as he excitedly pulled out a skimpy red miniskirt. The scandalized expression he earned from Asahi was almost comedic. 

The three of them were looking for a birthday present for their older manager and of course the smallest of the trio suggested that they should look at clothing first. 

„You can’t just _do_ that, Noya. Rather something more like... this? maybe?“ 

Asahi held out a simple beige and yellow pleaded skirt for the other two to state at.

Oh, Suga thought. That was... really pretty. 

He wondered how he would look like in it.

As soon as the thought entered his head, he forced it down and swelled in shame.

The overwhelming feeling of being fake overtook him again, just like it always overtook him almost every second in his life nowadays. But it seemed that with each day the hole in his heart grew, as if he got heavier and heavier until he was weighed down into the ground, unable to escape. 

He couldn’t help but despise every rule made by society. Couldn’t help but despite society itself. It made him feel so clueless, if he at least _knew_ what made him think and feel this way. He would do everything to fix it. But he didn’t _know_.

The hatred in him expanded every second. Not just at society, but at his family, his friends and even himself. 

Suga knew he’d never find his place. How could he find it when it didn’t exist. He wished he could erase himself.

He didn’t notice how lost he must’ve looked and how his eyes started to turn glassy until Asahi gently put a hand on his shoulder.

„Suga? What is it?“

The silver haired male was hauled right back into reality, though the hole in his chest didn’t disappear. it never did.

„It’s just- Allergies. Spring is always so mean to me“, Suga rasped out, blowing his nose in a tissue for good measure. He once more cleared his throat.

„I think Kiyoko prefers black, doesn’t she?“

And if Suga stayed a while after his two friends to look at the pretty skirt for only a few more seconds, then no one had to ever know.

——

„Just make sure you get out of there in time, alright? Remember, Daichi is coming over later!“

„Yes, mom!“, Suga shouted back, before closing the door and locking it shut.

At last, Silence.

He let out a huff and set down his towels. The week had already been stressful enough and he felt really bad.

Now he wanted to „treat“ himself with a bath, to just get into boiling hot water and let it rinse off all of his small regrets.

Suga watched, as the steady stream of water slowly filled up the tub. The noise filled up the small room, and he found himself feeling grateful. It was just a small distraction from the mess that was his life, but it was a distraction nevertheless.

Once the tub was sufficiently filled, Suga turned off the water and began to shed his clothes. 

The pain of the boiling water and the feeling of being fake competed greatly once he actually stepped into the clear water.

The numbness usually made him feel not real, like glass or a plain piece of paper, but now it was as if the burning sensation on his skin reminded him that he, in fact, actually had a body. It was impossible to ignore the fight that he was mentally in, but he didn’t want to have to _deal_ with that. It was all too much. Everything was always too much. And it was always not enough. 

Suga was not enough, his body felt as if it wasn’t enough present, but his emotions and thoughts overpowered him completely. He didn’t want to live like this anymore.

Closing his eyes and holding his nose, he took one deep breath before submerging into the water. 

Slowly opening his eyes under water, he felt much calmer. Every sound was much quieter and far, far away. He felt like he was floating and his vision was hazy. As if he was not real. As if his senses finally matched with his soul.

He wondered if he could stay there forever.

But of course, Suga couldn’t. 

When he emerged again to catch his breath, the water wasn’t as hot anymore that it actually did anything to him. He simply felt fake again.

Tensing up, he let out a little frustrated noise. Why the actual fuck couldn’t he simply just be normal. He was such a disappointment. Normal families didn’t have sons that were ill in the head. Normal families were happy.

Suga couldn’t understand. His family was normal, his family was happy. It was simply him who fucked everything up.

A small infuriated noise left his throat.

Why couldn’t he just be happy. What made him feel this way, what made him feel like he’dbe better off dead?

When he looked down, he wished he would’ve put bubbles into his bath. Now, he had to deal with his disgusting body. 

Sugas entire body shape was weirdly ugly to him. His legs were too thin and hairy, his torso was too long and slim and he just felt as if... something was missing. Or it was too much. Or both.

It simply looked entirely wrong. 

He had to fix it.

Suga swiftly stood up and took the razor that laid beside the tub. Rather aggressively he started to shave away the hair at his legs.

But that wasn’t enough. It was never enough. 

He took a single razor blade out of the cabinet and sat down at the edge of the bathtub. He could make himself beautiful, he could make himself right. He’d just have to cut off the excess flesh. If he was lucky, maybe he’d lose a lot of blood. Maybe he’d finally get the treatment he deserved. Maybe Suga would finally die.

He stared at the small object in his hand, and wasfascinated at how much liberty and freedom it could hold.

He just had to do it. He just had to fucking do it. He could finally end his suffering, he simply had to-

„Cmon Suga, when will you be done?! i really need to use the bathroom!“, the banging on the door and the high pitched voice of his older sister snapped him out of it.

It seemed like this wasn’t his time.

„I’ll be out in a minute, wait!“ 

It took Suga some minutes to gather his thoughts and compose himself. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t really will down his swirling emotions. It felt like after a relatively calm time of numbness, his emotions came in the form of a tornado to just wreck everything that was in its way. 

At least he could pretend to be alright.

It took him approximately five minutes to get ready, and when he opened the door, he was met face to face with his older Sister. 

„What were you even doing for that long?“, her voice sounded almost accusing and he couldn’t help but feel a wave of guilt crush over him.

They both stood in silence for a moment. His sister was probably waiting for a response, but Suga was too busy to take in his sisters form.

She had been way luckier with the genetics. There was naturally less hair on her body and she possessed the curves that he lacked. 

It kinda made him jealous, a sudden rage replacing the guilt from prior.

Just as he wanted to walk past her and go hide in his room, his sister grabbed him by his arm almost a little too harsh and looked him in the eyes.

„Hey, What’s wrong? We rarely see you these days.“

Suga tried to shrug her off, but she only came further into the doorway, blocking off his escape route.

„It’s nothing. I’ve just been stressed lately.“

„Stressed about what? I bet you that i lived through what your experiencing right now too.“

„I truly don’t think so-“

„Why? I was a teenager once too, i know how it is to struggle with school and friends, i swear i’ll understand-“, 

But she wouldn’t be able too. She wouldn’t be able to understand what it was like to be a failure,what it was like to be a ghost living amongst your loved ones but not being able to physically feel near them. What it was like to not feel anything physical. She didn’t know what it felt like to look into the mirror and to not recognize anything.

He gripped his hair, pulling hard to distract from the hole in his chest expanding and expanding, always expanding to swallow him whole. The pain brought tears into his eyes, his scalp burning. 

It was Sugas sister who frantically pulled his hands away from his head, only then he noticed the small strands of silver hair, that he must’ve ripped out, in his palms. 

„I- I“, he didn’t know exactly what words were trying to escape his mouth, maybe it was an explanation, maybe an apology. 

He felt so tired, as if he couldn’t bear to stand any longer on his own two feat.

His sister pulled him closer and held him tight against her while softly whispering into his ear. 

„It’s okay, im here now. You’re safe, alright? We love you.“

And that was all it took to send Suga finally of the edge. He started to ugly cry and sob, stammering out words that made no sense, just trying to express what was going on inside of him.

„I just feel like- I feel like nothing is right, everything i do; everything isn’t real. I feel so uncomfortable because i don’t know who i am, but the person i’m trying to represent is someone i despise and i- i just can’t to it anymore. I don’t know what is fucking wrong with me. What if i’m a psychopath?“, a sob, then a deep breath; „I hate everything about myself when i look into the mirror. I can’t seem to fit into, into _my role_ , you know?. I just want to know where i belong.“

There was a heavy silence between them, the only thing interrupting it was Sugas occasional sobs and hiccups, before his sister slowly let him go and wiped away his tears.

„How long- How long have you been feeling like this?“ she breathed out, pity in her gaze.

He swallowed, looking down at their feet. He was surprised at how hard he had to think about that.

„Ever since puberty started, i think? i dunno...“

Now that his sudden emotional outburst was done, all he felt was fatigue. He simply didn’t have the energy anymore to play pretend.

„Ive began feeling, uhm, uncomfortable? with myself, i think. It’s like i hate that i have to be- 

that i have to be in my own skin, have to be me“, his voice was quiet and unstable, as if scared that someone else would hear.

Meanwhile his sister looked him all over, lips pursed and an expression that she only showed when thinking really hard. Until-

„Hey, you remember that one friend i had that moved to tokyo?“, she seemed way to happy for the current situation and he probably would’ve felt really offended if he wasn’t so goddamn tired.

„She used to be in a very similar headspace, until she discovered two years ago that her gender simply wasn’t the gender she would’ve liked to be. He now is transitioning and is doing much better.“

Suga looked up at her in shock. Why was she telling him all this? 

„Listen Sugawara, we can look into it and do a bit of research. If not, we can go see a therapist and get you help, all right?“

He opened his mouth, wanted to protest because he wasn’t _a girl_ nor was he _sick in the head_. 

But just as he wanted to tell his sister how wrong she was (she had to be), the doorbell rang.

„That must be Daichi“, her voice was surprisingly soothing for having such a high pitch.

„Listen, just try to have fun tonight, okay? And when you are ready to talk, we can search for a solution. I’m here for you.“

And with that, she left.

——

„What are you even still doing...“

His best friend whined as he pulled Suga further into his arms.

It was already way past midnight when they decided that they had played enough overwatch and should get rest. At least, that had been the plan. 

They laid in complete darkness, except Sugas phone lowly illuminating his face that otherwise would‘ve been smushed against Daichis chest. The other really was his best friend (together with Asahi of course, but the two of them never admitted it out loud since it was so much fun to tease their tall friend), and they often laid together in so called „cuddle sessions“ where they talked about their problems (mostly Daichi complaining about school and his anonymous crush) while Suga listened carefully and made fun of him.

„I’m just researching, hold up...“, the words came out slurred mumbled, he was too focused on the newsletter explaining the most common gender occurrences in the Lgbtq+ Community.

The conversation with his sister had stayed in his mind for the entire evening, no matter how much Daichi tried to get him out of his head. Now he simply couldn’t hold back anymore and took the chance he was given to act upon his thoughts.

The first word that popped up was of course „transgender“, but Suga didn’t want to be a girl, though it was surprisingly hard to come to that conclusion.

Harder then it should’ve been.

He had scanned through the lines, taking in every single word and thought about them non stop. 

„Will you at least tell me what’s keeping you up?“

Suga stayed silent. He hated keeping secrets from Daichi. But how was he supposed to tell him when he himself still was so confused?

„Not now. I’ll tell you.... another time.“

„All right. But im here for you, you know that?”

Sugas Heart almost melted at that. He couldn’t believe how caring he was, and he considered himself the luckiest person to havethe karasuno team captain in his life.

Later, as Daichi softly snored beside him, Suga found something else, sometimhing that’s sparked his interest. The word infested itself in his brain, not letting go. He read about it, read until his eyes itched and the words seemed way to bright.

The hole in his chest shrunk, shrunk until it was completely gone and his heart felt as if it could beat again. He took a deep breath, and it felt better than it ever had.

Because for the first time in what seemed like forever, they finally knew who they were.

——

Silence.

That was the first thing that struck him in the morning.

But not only the obvious silence in his room, but the quiet in his mind and chest. Suga felt calm, calmer than they ever remembered being.

Sometimes, in times like this, it was annoying to be an early riser. Even though the sleep they got was good, there simply hadn’t been a lot of it and now they had to wait for their company to wake up too.

Sleep still fogged up their brain and so they sunk further into the duvets, tucked into the arms of Daichi. It was probably their movements that woke him up.

He looked out of it, and Suga watched as Daichi rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and mumbled an incredibly quiet „Good morning“.

„Morning“, they responded just as sleepily, before closing their eyes again.

For a few minutes they just laid in silence, before Daichi propped himself up and began stretching. 

„Do you feel better today?“, his voice was always rough in the morning.

„What do you mean?“, finally Suga also sat up, shuddering at the coldness that surrounded them when the blanket slipped off of their shoulder. 

„Yesterday you looked pretty distracted, i was just a little worried but didn’t want to intrude. Did something happen?“

And maybe it was the setting that they were in, in the comfort of their room and with the person they trusted the most, or maybe they were just simply still half asleep, but something about the situation made them lose all control.

„I think i’m non binary“, was the next thing that tumbled out of their mouth, said more matter-of-factly then Suga thought they’d be ever be able to.

Slowly the silence began to get unnerving.

They could see Daichi taking in a deep breath without breaking eye contact, before a little „Oh“, he breathed out, „So, that means...?“

„Uhm, i feel like- well, i’m not okay with being a boy, and- neither i would, being a girl- i think i’d rather be. Genderless? I don’t want to be a man nor a woman.“

When Daichi didn’t respond, Suga suddenly wasn’t sleepy anymore. The fear overtook them instead.

„Sorry, i know it’s odd, i just felt so bad for- for forever and when i found out yesterday i felt really, truly happy for the first time but i know that it might seem weird for others-“

Before he knew it, he was embraced in a tight hug from his best friend.

„You don’t have to apologize. It’s great that you found yourself, and if you are happy then i will be happy too.“, and when Daichi let him go again, Suga didn’t know why they were ever scared of Daichi not accepting them. Even though he always tried to look calm and collected, Suga could see through his facade and see the love (and a little bit of worry) that he tried to hide so hard.

„Just one question“, they found it adorable how he stuttered through the sentence, „If you are neither male nor female then- What pronouns would you like me to...?“

Their entire chest felt warm, it was so cute how much the captain cared for them and their wishes.

„They and them, if you don’t mind.“

„If it comes to you, i never do.“, Daichi responded with red cheeks, and Suga couldn’t help but giggle. He felt so _good_.

„Well, when are you going to tell the others?“

Oh. Suga hadn’t thought that far ahead.

„I really don’t know, to be honest... They’ll think it’s weird and probably kick me out.“, tears started welling in his eyes but they didn’t care. They pretended for so long and they’d be damned if they’d had to do it in front of the one person they trusted their life with.

„Are we talking about the same people? Because i know that my team loves their vice captain too much to ever judge h- _them_ because of who they are.“ Daichi took their head into his hand and forced them to lock eyes with him.

„You know that they, we, will always be behind you.“

„I don’t know, Dai... this is not something simple that i can expect someone just to accept. It’s weird and i know it, alright?“

„No, No it isn’t. I didn’t judge you either, did i?“

„That’s different.“

„Not as much as you think. Just tell them what you told me.“

As a response, they could only sigh.

Daichi looked at him with his caring, brown eyes before he let them go and took their hands instead.

„We could tell them today and get it over with. It doesn’t have any use to dwell and overthink it. I’ll be there with you the entire time. Even if they’ll not accept it, which i doubt, you’ll still have me, alright?“

„...I guess you are right.“

The taller boy smiled reassuringly at them before sending a text to the group chat, asking them to meet up outside of the gym.

——

They were, unsurprisingly, the first one to arrive at the meeting point thanks to Sugas Home being so close to the school. The sun was warming their skin as they sat on the few steps before the gym entree. Daichi offered to open it up and go inside, but Suga didn’t know if they’d be able to be caged inside a room during the procedure. If it went wrong, they could escape much easier.

So there the two of them sat, silence heavily weighing down on them and their hands intertwined. Daichi reassuringly squeezed their hand from time to time when Suga became fidgety.

Alas, Daich had to almost break their fingers when their close group of friends started to show up. 

It was surreal, seeing them laugh and joke around, oblivious to the fear bubbling in Sugas chest. They wished that they could be as carefree, without being hyperaware of the chance of getting rejected.

It was when Hinata arrived on his bike, completely out of breath, when Daichi slightly nudged him. Telling them to get up and to simply do it, everyone was finally there. Suga almost scoffed, if it would only be as easy as Daichi said it.

Nevertheless, they stood up and cleared their throat. Of course, nobody noticed them. They knew that they were being too quiet for anyone to have actually heard them, but there was a lump in their throat that didn’t allow them to speak up.

Thankfully, Daichi once again came to the rescue.

He stood up, clapped his hands and called out a „Guys!“, and shot one last glance at his vice captain. 

„Of course i’m glad that we’re all finally here, but Suga has something to say real quick. After that we can do something, yeah? Just the information beforehand.“

Oh _god_.

Why did Daich have to phrase it like that? Suga felt their cheeks warm up in embarrassment. Now it sounded way too important, it could’ve been more casual, they should’ve just done it themselves and held it more casual, Daichi should’ve-

There was nothing they could do about it now. Everyone was looking at them already, so they should just follow Daichis advice and get it over with. So Suga stood up, and looked around the group. If only the words would come out.

„So...For the past few. Uhm, few months, so to speak, i think i figured out- or more like yesterday it hit me... Wait, before you get me wrong, i,“, Nobody had to tell them how idiotic they must’ve looked trying to vocalize their thoughts, they were aware of it.

In the corner of their eye they could see Daichi opening his mouth, ready to jump in and rescue them, but Suga just sighed and took one last deep breath.

„I have figured out that i don’t... feel comfortable as a boy“, they paused, waiting for a reaction (an audible one, they wouldn’t dare to take their eyes off the ground), but as they were met with none they shakily continued, „neither do i as a girl. After a bit of self reflecting i found out that i feel most comfortable with not... not having a gender, i simply want to be seen as a _person_. Non binary, so to speak. I’ve been confused for such a long time, for years, but now- now it feels like i know who i am. I would greatly appreciate it if you would accept the, well, technically new me and use they and them pronounces instead-“, A deep breath, „and of course i understand if you don’t. In that case id be happy to simply contain our friendship and respect your boundaries by continuing to be seen as a, as a boy.“

Their voice was shaky and their sight cloudy as they finished their little speech and the unbearable silence didn’t do anything to help the situation.

„So...“, Tanaka let out, and Suga could feel his eyes boring onto their form, „that wasn’t obvious to you?“.

Sugas head snapped back up, locking eyes with their friend while feeling very confused, „What?“

„I mean, yeah, i think it was clear to be honest. Not the non binary part specifically, but that at least something was up.“

„How did you- How did you know?“, how could their friend knew before they themselves found out? They could only imagine what they looked like, eyes popping out in disbelief and mouth hanging open.

„I don’t know, dude. Just the vibes you were giving off, dude, the vibes.“

„What does that even mean?“

„No, no, i get what he’s saying.“ Noya nodded, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

„You’ve got to be kidding... So- so this is okay with you?“

„Of course, why wouldn’t it be?“ Tanaka spoke, casually resting one hand on his hip while the other hand playfully slapped Sugas shoulder.

„We still love you, bro.“ Noya added, because of course he would. The two were basically sharing the one braincell they had left.

„And the, and the rest of you...?“

All they could see was slow nodding, the atmosphere was tense but they all seemed so _understanding_.

„See, i told you...“ Daichi whispered behind them. And then, they just broke down completely. They didn’t even know exactly why, but all the emotions were just crushing down on them and destroying their already fragile mental state.

„Hey, what’s wrong? Did we do something?“, Asahi was quick to try and comfort them, but the tall boy never had been good with feelings.

„No, i think im just overwhelmed... I didn’t think that you all would accept it. It still seems too good to be true, to be honest.“ Suga stuttered out between little gasps and sobs.

„Just you know that you can always rely on us.

Nothing will change with how we treat you. You’re still the same Suga we know and love.“, the reassuring words surprisingly came from Yamaguchi. Though Suga knew they had a good Relationship, they never would’ve thought that the younger would care so

much for their connection. 

„Thank you“, was the only thing they could choke out before starting to full on sob into their hands again. They could feel someone prying their hands away from their face and embracing them instead. Suga automatically realized that it must’ve been Daichi, the arms around their shoulders being way too familiar to belong to anyone else. When they could finally open their eyes again without everything being blurry, they instantly locked eyes with Tsukishima. At first the blondes expression was cold and unreadable, but it turned into a kind smile, a small gesture but they knew how much it meant given the person it was coming from. 

In response Suga could only let out a tired chuckle and finally let go of their best friend.

„You shouldn’t have been so afraid to tell us“, Kiyoko spoke for the first time she was there.

„Technically i know, i think i just internalized the hatred that is exposed... basically everywhere“.

„Well now you know“. Yachi timidly smiled at them.

“Can we do something now? I want to move”, the complaint came from Hinata who somehow already was jumping up and down. Though somehow this time his chipper attitude wasn’t unfitting or weird, in contrary. Suga felt grateful for the small boy to lighten the mood.

“Alright! we could either do something here or-“

“Can we practice? i need to show Hinata that i could beat his ass even as a spiker”, Noya shouted ratheraggressively, and that was all it took for the captain to open the gym door.

When everyone already rushed in, Daichi took Sugas hand and smiled gently at them. “Let’s go?”

They nodded happily, and so they went hand in hand into the gym and got ready to scold the shit out of the first graders for almost destroying the net.

Time passed quickly as they played.

During the game they kept adding more and more rules (one more stupid than the other) until the game was too exhausting to even play anymore. 

Many were lying down on the floor after, trying to calm their body temperature down by making contact with the ground and others were simply sitting propped up against the wall while they tried to collect themselves.

Even Yachi and Kiyoko played along, but now that the game was finished they were too exhausted to get up and refill the water bottles like they usually did.

(Surprisingly Kageyama volunteered do it instead. It looked funny how both he and Hinata sprung to their feet to walk to the bathroom together. Suga wondered how they still had any energy left even when they gave it their all during the game.)

Suga was sitting against the wall besides Yachi who smushed her cheek against the cold floor.

“Hey, Suga-senpai...” she mumbled out almost incoherently. “I’ve got a question because of what you told us earlier.”

Even though she seemed exhausted and her words were slurred, there was a somewhat hint of pure curiosity in her voice with no trace of judgement.

(Suga was glad for the group of friends they had).

“How will it effect your life? Like, you know what i mean?”

They chuckled lightly, before responding.

“Don’t worry, i get you. I guess... The most major part is simply knowing who i am? I feel a lot better now, mentally. And, well... Maybe my clothing style?”, their voice got a little bit quieter and unsure as they admitted their thoughts to the young manager.

“I think that feminine fashion is very pretty... Like, not all, but i would really like to just balance out my wardrobe, but i don’t think i’m brave enough for that.“

„Are you kidding?“, the blonde propped herself onto her elbows, looking at them with wide eyes, „I can only imagine how cute you‘d look!“

Suga would consider her excitement and support even cuter.

„You think so?“

„Yes! You know what, we have to go shopping together-“

„Suga? Can i speak you outside for a moment?“

Both of them let out a surprised noise as Daichi suddenly stood beside them.

„Sorry“, he mumbled with and apologetic glance, awkwardly scratching his arm.

„Yeah“, Suga said smiling and stood up. They threw one last glance at the young girl, whispered a „we’ll talk later“, and then finally walked out into the early evening with the captain by their side. 

„So? What is it?“

The taller cleared his throat and took on a stern expression before locking eyes with Suga. For just a brief second they felt intimidated until the other got shy and stared at the ground again, starting to blush at his cheeks and the tips of his ears.

„You were so brave telling the others how you feel, and i’m so proud of you. And i guess, this is my turn to say something. Uhm,“ the blush only grew, and then Daichis entire face took on a red hue, „The thing is, i... ever since we met. I’ve considered you one of the most amazing people that i have ever met in my entire life. You- You are just so incredibly kind, your humor is great and there, there are literally so many perfect things about you and your personality, and i. Uh, for a long time i thought it would suffice to consider you my best friend“, finally he looked up again, „but i don’t think that that’s enough any more.“

Silence was all they could respond with in that moment, only slowly progressing every words that has been said to them. Their best friends was confessing to them right now. 

„I have developed feelings for you a long time ago, to be honest. It’s kind of pathetic to tell you only now“, he broke his sentence of with a nervous laugh, „but better late than never. So... i just wanted to know, if...“

Daichi never finished his sentence, but Suga knew what he wanted to say.

Suddenly, memories of the past years flashed before their eyes, almost their entire being while at Karasuno. And ever since they have been there, Daichi has been with them. Comforting them, Protecting them, fighting with them. They were inseparable. Suga had to think of the feeling of secureness and love they felt whenever he was around. How Daichi made all the pain go away and replaced it with happiness even at their darkest moments.

So did they?

Yes, Suga decided, they did.

„I think i have feelings for you too.“, they spoke, and now it was their turn to take his face lovingly between their palms. Suga forced him to look into their eyes, before pressing a quick kiss to his nose.

When they backed away again, Daichi took Sugas hands into his and whispered, „So... Does this mean that we’re together now?“

„I‘d like that.“

And _oh,_ they were truly in love, Suga thought to themselves as they saw Daichis grin getting bigger and bigger. He looked so precious. They didn’t think before the next question bubbles out of them.

„Can i kiss you? But like for real?“

„Please“, the words that left the brunettes lips were breathy and full of anticipation, as he gently (always so gentle with them), pulled them a little closer by their hips. 

Daichis lips felt a little dry against their own, but Suga didn’t mind. At first the kiss was soft, so soft, just their lips touching, little airy pecks that were exchanged between the two. But then they could feel his tongue slowly licking at their lips, how he started to nibble at their bottom lip and his tongue slid just a little further into their mouth. It felt so odd, but also so right. They parted their lips a little further, trying to get more of the sensation, until a high, loud scream ripped them apart. 

There was a solid second where the two of them just stared at each other, before storming back into the gym.

„What happened?“, Daichi called out immediately.

„Is everyone okay?“, Suga followed up quick.

That’s when they saw a completely devastated Noya, looking absolutely terrified while cowered into a ball in the middle of a circle formed by the others.

Quickly rushing to the bystanders, Suga tapped Kiyokos Shoulder and asked, „What’s going on?“

„We don’t know exactly. He wanted to see what was taking Hinata and Kageyama so long and he came out screaming something like „no fucking respect for the rules of society“. At least something along those lines, i don’t know.“ 

Suga swallowed and opened their mouth to say something, exactly when the door to the bathroom opened and two very embarrassed first graders stumbled out.

„Care to explain what happened?“ Daichi asked them sternly, but they remained silent while their face heated up.

Noya on the othe hand didn’t hesitate.

„Those motherfuckers, i can’t believe it. I’m so done. They fucked in the bathroom, my fucking eyes. I need some bleach right fucking now so i can pour that cunt into my eyes and burn that image forever.“

Everyone looked scandalized at the pair before a huge tumult broke out.

„I knew it. Yamaguchi, i won. You owe me lunch tomorrow.“

„They fucking what?“

„Oh my god, i will never use that bathroom again.“

„What happened with our water?“

„I sure did learn a lot about our glorious volleyball team today...“

„You don’t understand the pain i went trough seeing that.“

„Yeahahaha, you should tell a homie so he can join. Damn, want my number for next time?“, Tanakas comment actually got him a few laughs out of one or the other, but also two even more flustered first years and a confused Asahi.

„We have a group chat, though. Don’t they already have your number?“

„That’s not the point right now!“, Suga finally snapped and yelled through the hall. The whole time they and Daichi tried to create order, but it didn’t work. Until now.

„The point is, that no matter what your sexuality or who your partner is, you shouldn’t fuck in the bathroom. That’s a new rule from now on.“, they stopped to pinch the bridge of their nose and silently whispered; „I didn’t think that we’d have to establish that as a rule...“

Daichi nodded and sighed. „I don’t think i can handle you anymore today... let’s get this cleaned up“, he paused, looking at Kageyama and Hinata, „you two will clean the bath. The rest can just do the usual and leave after.“

Everyone nodded and started cleaning the gym (except Noya, who had to quote „recover from a traumatic experience“, end quote).

At the end, Suga got a lot of hugs and reassuring words individually before their teammates left. They could also see a similar occurrence with Kageyama and Hinata, even if the circumstances of how everyone found out was pretty...odd to say at least. There was an overwhelming amount of support floating through the air, and Suga felt happy as they watched Daich lock up the gym after everyone left.

The afternoon sun painted everything in a golden light, and his best friend, _boyfriend_ , looked like an angel sent from the heavens. An Angel Daichi was indeed. Just the way he smiled at them and nudged their hand with his, asking if it was okay to hold it while they walked back. Suga simply nodded, and they went home in comfortable silence.

——

It already had been three weeks since Suga came out as non binary to their team, and their life has been better than they ever could’ve imagined.

They felt finally fulfilled and were able to think clearly again, and for once in their life they felt comfortable in their body. Simply having a term for what they felt, an explanation to their state gave them the opportunity to work out solutions for their problems. Suga started to love their body.

Of course, on some days they wished to be more curvy and to have less body hair to balance out their appearance, but it was okay.

With the help of their friends they were also able to come out to their family a week later than they came out to them. Their sister seemed overjoyed and hugged them, simply happy that her little sibling finally felt better. Their parents were happy for them too and swore to support them through their entire journey, though Suga knew they struggled a bit to adapt to the new pronounces and to understand the concept of being non binary.

They did what they could for them, like sending them to therapy. At first Suga was unsure and sceptical, but having a professional listen to their problems caused by their dysphoria and internalized Transphobia helped a lot.

Even in school, when they felt down because everyone still saw them as a boy (they didn’t dare to come out to the whole world just yet, the fact that all their friends who were raised in a traditional japanese environment accepted it, was almost a miracle), there were always the reassuring words of their teammates and the caring arms of their boyfriend that they could return to.

Long story short, they couldn’t wrap their mind around the support they were getting. 

Especially in moments like these, when Suga was sitting in a circle at the end of practice with all their friends, listening to them making adorable suggestions as to show their affection in public.

„Hear me out, people...“, Hinata excitedly jumped up and down, trying to get the attention of everyone, „so, since we are the crows who fly again, we should definitely wear winged eyeliner to our next match. Get it?“, he was interrupted by a very annoyed Kageyama that slapped the back of his head to shut him up. „That’s stupid, you idiot“. Suga looked lovingly at the two of them. It was very nice to know that they weren’t the only „odd“ one in the team, and the two definitely made a cute pair even though they didn’t like to show it (except those times people walked in on them being a cheesy couple, which they were super bad at hiding). 

„Why? Everyone looks good in eyeliner!“ „I second that“, Yachi nodded and smiled at Hinata, but immediately caved as Tsukishima stared her down.

„It would be a statement.“, Hinata nodded to himself.

„A statement for what, you dumbass?“

„That Karasuno is strong again!“

„Oh my god...“

Sugawara simply chuckled and fiddled with the hem of their shirt. Even though Karasuno decided to stop a bit earlier today, they were undeniably tired. They yawned a bit and rubbed their eyes, wishing to go home and escape the school stress that was building up on them in their last year. They just wanted to lay in bed. To be more specific, in bed with their boyfriend in their arms. 

Blood rushed into their face at the thought of their team captain, they couldn’t help but side eye him from where he was sitting right beside them. Daichi seemed to notice and shot them a small smile paired with caring eyes, before extending his hand a little further into Sugas direction. They immediately picked up on it and laid their own hand beside the captains, shyly intertwining them. 

In the background they could hear their team bickering around, and it warmed their heart knowing that they would always be there for them. But when they locked eyes with their boyfriend, and the feeling of complete fulfillment and happiness sent little shockwaves through their entire body, they realized that there was no place that they would rather be.

**Author's Note:**

> pls comment úwù


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